The Eastern Woodlands Fusion

Rudy Giuliani: Big Playa

It should not be a surprise that the current iteration of the WW2 Axis Powers, with Donald Trump holding up the German end and Rudy Giuliani the Italian, is, much like the original, on its way out.

Although Trump now seems hopelessly mired in several legal disasters of his own making, Rudy Giuliani appears not to be outdone both in the public eye and with the US legal system.

Giuliani—a former US prosecutor who helped put Mafia Capo John Gotti away, a former mayor of New York City whose initial response to 9/11 was admirable, perennial Pox News personality, and, of recent, advisor the President of the United States—is in hot water with a civil lawsuit brought against him by Noelle Dunphy, who was both Rudy’s business development director and public relations consultant during a period from 2019 to 2021.

It is clear from both the lawsuit itself and an initial analysis of it by MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell that Rudy sees himself as a ladies’ man—especially, as one who wants to close the deal, like, super-immediately.

Although I am not giving him advice, I might counsel a bit more judgment on his part.

First off, although Rudy is a perfectly acceptable nickname for Rudolph, if you are going to be a player, you might go with Julie or even Jules, especially if you open with the line, “You know, my closest friends call me Jules.” And, then, sally forth with some polite conversation.

Second, you have to be realistic about the team you are bringing to the playing field.

Photo: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Mark Harmon you are not … which brings us to our third point.

According to Ms. Dunphy you promised her a really high salary when you hired her—something like 1 or 2 million--but actually paid her very little. Lying about something like this is a no-no—and we’re not talking simply about getting a woman into the sack—but more importantly, about maintaining your reputation as an honest, trustworthy businessman.

Fourth, and this was the really shocking stuff, it is asserted you said things that are not really pluses in the I-want-to-be-a-mover-with-the-chicks realm. Ms. Dunphy alleges that you were:

• Talking about the penises of Jewish men—this is pretty bizarre. I do not think this would even be a punch line in a Kevin Smith movie.
• Bragging about committing felonies by selling Presidential pardons for 2 million dollars apiece and then splitting the take 50-50 with The Donald—when there are better ways to impress a lady, who probably does not want to be a co-conspirator.
• Using foul-mouthed and racist profanity when discussing current events—probably a non-starter unless you want to outdo the locker room in your quest to be a man.
• Binge drinking to the point of being out of control—never good for one’s health and not a way to keep your focus during a relationship.
• Relying on Viagra to get it up all the time—maybe, a little discretion, romance and patience would work better.
• Most importantly, not treating a woman as an equal.

Now, Ms. Dunphy alleges that you also forced her to wear a bikini while at work or even video conference naked. Why revert to the dystopian fantasy of a misguided twelve-year old boy who is—albeit slowly on the social skills part—coming into manhood?

Geez-o-Pete, Jules, you were Hizzoner, a position you parlayed into being a national political and cultural leader. A better approach might be to ignore the chickadees and find one of the beautiful mature babes New York is known for. Then, maybe asking one of them to dinner at an expensive place like Le Bernardin.

After all, if you were selling pardons for 2 million and splitting the take with your boss, you would be able to afford it.

Marc A. Cirigliano